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eGuider Exclusive — March 2nd, 2009
10 Hollywood Sex Scenes We’ll Never See
by Brendan Lopez
The Internet, and online video in particular, has the ability to provide audiences with new perspectives on their favorite films. Trailer re-edits, mash-ups, behind-the-scenes interviews and bloopers – the list goes on and on. Sure, Hollywood tries to push the envelope some of the time, but it’s important to make sure that we, the Internet community, contribute a little nudge of our own. On that note, cinematic promiscuity has become as commonplace as freeze-frame high-fives were two decades ago, with folks like Academy Award winner Kate Winslet appearing nude (God bless her) in over ten films. But there are still a handful of movies that never gave audiences the sex scenes they were waiting for. Some of these scenes are improbable, some impossible, but all of them are fun to think about.
1. Uncle Buck
John Candy's character was indeed a dirty old man, but he was not a sexual deviant. His responsibility to take care of the kids clearly came first, and escapades of the flesh had no place in his life.
With the kids off to school, Buck might have a moment or two to himself. Time to give the high school prom date a call after 25 years?
2. Cast Away
I can imagine that things get lonely on a desert island, but lonely enough to fall for a piece of sporting equipment? The scary thing, to me at least, is that you never know where sporting equipment has been. Just when you feel like you know every inch of your volleyball, you find out it has ringworm that it picked up on the shelves of Play It Again Sports. I think that we were all glad to see that Chuck (Tom Hanks) was just into Wilson (his volleyball) for the stimulating conversation.
I know that Chuck was hurting for food and water, but if someone could just drop him a colored sharpie set from a passing plane, he and Wilson might be in business. It’s always amazing what a little makeup can do for a woman, and I imagine it would be no different for a volleyball. With some eye shadow, mascara, and maybe a touch of lipstick, who knows: Wilson could be quite a number.
3. 3 Ninjas
These boys sure were adventurous, but you’d never catch the trio mixed up in a love scene. Not even a handsome, young sensei could distract them from their training. You’d be more likely to find them giving a roundhouse kick to a bank-robber's neck.
With a few more years underneath their black-belts, the Douglas boys would have landed smack-dab in the middle of puberty. Jump-kicks might start to take a back seat.
4. Free Willy
Only the truly oblivious couldn’t sense the connection between the protagonists of this movie. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be, largely due to the sheer size difference between Jesse and Willy. While love may be blind, love cannot ignore the body mass of a 3-ton killer whale on top of it. Thankfully, the relationship remained platonic, and disaster was averted.
We discover there’s some truth to the old adage, "where there is a Willy, there is a way." I think that if Keiko got himself in the gym for a few months, and was able to kick his Burger King habit, the couple may be able to bridge the weight gap a bit. With some hard work and determination, we could add a very spicy fourth installation to this beautiful trilogy.
A trek to a distant land can really take it out of you. With a mission as important as saving the life of a baby princess, there’s not much time for fooling around. Also, with food and water scarce, it was vital that Willow and Madmartigan conserve every bit of their energy.
After the quest is complete, there’s no better place to be than the arms of the only other person who understands your physical and emotional travels. Sequel anyone?
6. 2001: A Space Odyssey
Bowman and HAL had a true love/hate relationship that could exist only between man and machine. All the elements for a passionate affair were present: dependence, competition, and jealousy, but alas, the physical side of things was not to be.
In the future, anything goes. And while the year 2001 has already passed, my hope for future man/machine relations has most certainly not.
7. Forrest Gump
Nothing against the mentally handicapped, but there’s something unconscionable about a promiscuous, coked-out hippie bedding down with a virgin in his mid 30's. Just consider the repercussions if they didn't use protection and she was to conceive! Downright irresponsible, if you ask me.
Wait. They actually did?? I fell asleep halfway through. That is wrong in far too many ways. How did it happen? Oh man, I feel weird…
8. Harry and the Hendersons
Although many of us participated in “When will Harry sleep with the Hendersons?” betting pools, the Hendersons never brought Harry into their home for romantic purposes. An important note: it’s rumored that the Bigfoot species is asexual, which would explain their population issues.
If Harry took them by storm during a lull in the Hendersons’ love life, maybe his barbaric presence could re-ignite the couple's marital flame. Women do love fur, after all.
Although it’s debatable whether Sloth was giving Chunk eyes towards the end of the film, it’s clear that the two had a special connection. However, a romantic relationship would have been inappropriate simply due to the age difference, as I assume Sloth was at least in his mid 30's. Plus Chunk, as his name implies, was extremely overweight for a child, which made any sustained physical exertion nearly impossible.
Chocolate is said to be an aphrodisiac, so with enough Baby Ruth bars, anything could happen.
10. Lord of the Rings
Gollum's love for the ring seemingly replaced any romantic passion he’d feel towards others. And although he showed some interest in Arwen's assets, movie-goers were never privileged to witness his scrawny body sans-loincloth.
With a couple trips to the tanning beds and a few pushups, Gollum could be turning heads in Middle Earth in no time at all. He’d be unable to resist the catcalls of his suitors.
Contributor: Brendan Lopez
Brendan is a freelance writer and improvisational actor living in Los Angeles, California. He studied English and Girls at Brown University and contributes to a number of entertainment and humor blogs, including DoubleViking.com.